My Push-Up Bra Will Help Me Get My Man

Tat Tat Tatted Up!

("If you're a bird, I'm a bird")

Justin Bieber got tat tat tatted up! Over the weekend, news reports claim (yes, because his getting a tattoo requires national attention) that he was spotted on the beaches of Sydney shirtless (ow oww...a 12 yr old shirtless) sporting a bird tattoo on his lower hip. When asked by the media as to why, he explained “The ‘bird in flight’ symbol is a popular one among Bieber men.” Umm, don’t lie little man. The reason you got a bird tattooed on your little prepubescent self was because you love twitter. Just face it; you’re a tweet-a-holic, bieber boy! Either that or you really like seagulls, because after looking very closely at your hipbone (which made me feel very dirty and wrong, by the way. I had to keep turning around, in fear that Chris Hanson was lurking in the shadows behind my desk), it appears to look just like those dirty birds that hang out at the beach or flock together in the Big Lot’s parking lot. Justin, why you got a tattoo of something that is known for pooing on people’s heads and traumatizing to young children is beyond me. But hey, whateva floats ya boat JB! I guess a little birdie on the hipbone is better than a Chinese symbol on your lower back area; aka: “The Tramp Stamp region”.

Miley's Full-Grown!

(She's just bein Miley!)

You go Miley Cyrus, you go girl! Whew, that felt good getting that off my chest. The little tween deserves some praise for once. She’s constantly getting bashed by the media for “growing up”. Well, the kid had to do it some time. Did people honestly believe she’d be wearin a blonde wig and singin Disney songs such as, ‘Hoedown Throwdown’ for the rest of her life? I didn’t think so. Girl’s got talent. She can sing, she can act, and she actually wears underwear. Basically, she’s a trifecta. Oh, and did I mention that she provides the less fortunate with clothing? Yup. She started a clothing line at Walmart. I bought a pair of Miley shorts for myself the other day, ACTUALLY.

So let me address the important issue of the moment; Miley Cyrus’s new video “I Can’t Be Tamed”. I mean, this is such important news that it’s made the headlines of CNN, ABC News, and National Geographic. (Yea...last one I improvised.) In one article, they write “Writhing in a large nest within a giant birdcage, the 17-year-old pop star, wearing S&M-style gear, looks provocatively at the camera complaining that she feels like a specimen.” Ok, I’m sorry, but if she’s clad in ‘S&M gear’ I’ll eat your hat. She’s wearing a black leotard for heaven’s sake! She’s got bird feathers glued to her, has a makeup artist who obviously doesn’t know how to apply eyeliner, is dancing around lookin like she just had ice poured down her back, and is swimming around in a giant bird’s nest. I’m sorry, but in my book, that doesn’t exactly scream ‘sexy’. Girl’s just havin fun! Good, clean, youngster-type fun! I mean, she’s just a tot practically in a cage with all of America watching her every move. Oh ho hooo…now I get it! ‘Can’t be tamed’….and in a cage…with spectators around….smart Miley, very smart girlfriend! Yoooouuuu got me!

The Hidden Dangers of Curly Fries

(Exact size of the fry I found lodged between my cleavage)

So, last night me and my boo were "Thinkin Arby's", so we trucked on over to the roast beef conglomerate and ordered the infamous roast beef combo meal, complete with curly fries. Let me just start out by saying; My boo is SUPPOSED to be my "personal trainer" because I want to be bikini bod ready by summer, and since summer is creepin up on me (kinda like my ass, that currently resembles the size of Texas), I was kind of hoping he'd stick to his plan of making me look fab by taking me to the local sushi joint, but noooooo. He suggests Arby's. The only reason I am bringing this up, is because this minor decision of where to eat could have prevented the MAJOR incident which occurred approximately 5 hours later.

Later that night, I hopped into bed wearing a sports bra and shorts. (And no, this is not intended to give anyone a visual. Trust me, that's the last thing I want. For your sake.) I believe I was in the middle of dreaming about being on a deserted island (a result of watching too many episodes of Lost) when I rolled over on my stomach and felt a sharp pain in my left boob, which caused me to wake up. I sat up, pat around my bra and felt a solid object. I reached down into my bra to discover a 4 inch long curly fry that somehow crawled into my bra. Did I mention it was a sports bra? Yea. How the hell does that even happen? I've learned not to question these types of things anymore. It does me absolutely no good. So of course, I ate the fry and went back to sleep. I woke up and went into work this morning, and on the way, my boo text me to ask where I happened to find my breakfast this morning. Smartass.

The Most Worthless Excuse for a TV Show...aka "The Hills"

(How ironic. This is the same exact blank stare viewers have when they watch this show.)

So, last weekend MTV was showing all the seasons that lead up to the so called “Last Season” of…wait for it…wait for it…THE HILLS! I, myself, had never witnessed this reality “phenom” before (due to my parents’ extreme stinginess and sheltered upbringing) so I was embarrassingly excited, at the age of 22, to be viewing something that felt so superficial and shallow. Aka; good quality, educational programming that I was neglected from as a child! Mom and Dad must’ve not known that MTV was actually the sister station to PBS. So I made myself a little vodky drink, put on my snuggie, (For convenience purposes, obviously. I mean, who wants to have their blanket fall off while using the remote? I don’t.), and plopped down on the couch to begin, what would be, the dissolution of my brain cells.

Let me just start out by saying; I see where the producers were going with this show. They wanted to have teenage girls loathe their bodies, wish they were trust fund babies, and be attracted to complete douchebags. And they seemed to have achieved their goal. Within the first 10 minutes, I wanted to trade in my trusty Pontiac for a new Beamer, decided I would officially quit eating, and wanted to figure out; Just what IS Justin Bobby really all about?

One of the many things that I was unable to understand was how these “plastics” just don’t seem to grasp the concept that this is in fact a scripted reality tv show, therefore, they are probably going to have constant run ins with their “frenemies”. So, I don’t get why they kept acting shocked and surprised when they would see their rivals out and about in their own personal favorite hot spots. Uhhh because you’re getting paid to be there, ya dumbshits! You’re getting paid to bring the drama and the cat fights! Basically, you’re just getting paid to be an attractive idiot!

Another thing I seemed to realize is, the deeper I got into the show (Yea, even for haters like myself, it’s easy to get drawn in) I started seeing that during quite a few episodes, it’s like the producers suddenly realized just how pathetic their show was and decided to just give up on creating a story line; thus, proceeding to fill in the empty airspace with music. In other words, when you see Heidi and Spencer just staring at each other with their frozen expressions and tilted heads over dinner, the awkward silence is then filled in by a song from an indie artist trying to make it big. I’m sure they’re ecstatic when they learn that their music is being featured on The Hills. I’m sure it also gives them major cred in the music world.

All in all, I can only compare this show/tragic event to a bad car accident. You know what I’m talking about. You’re drivin by, you know what you’re gonna see can only be bad, but still…you just HAVE to look?